I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just need to put it all down somewhere, even if it's only for me to see. It's only been such a short time since we didn't talk, but it already feels horrible. Since then I couldn't get any sleep during the nights. My mind won't shut off, and I can't stop thinking about everything. I've tried drowning it out, tried numbing it with a drink or two (or ten), but nothing works. You're always there, in every quiet moment, every empty space.
I never knew regret could feel this heavy. It's like I'm carrying around a shadow that follows me everywhere, reminding me of the biggest mistake I've ever made. I was stupid, so stupid to let you go. I see that, clearer than ever. And the worst part? I had you again, if only for a moment. When we kissed, I felt like I was breathing for the first time in months. But then, just as quickly, it was gone, and here I am, lost again.
I know you're scared. I get it. I'm scared too. But the fear of losing you forever, of never getting the chance to make this right, that terrifies me more than anything. I want to be with you, not just as a fleeting moment, but truly, deeply with you. I want to prove to you that I'm worth that leap, that we're worth it.
But I also know I can't force you to believe in us. That has to come from you. So, for now, I'll keep my distance. I'll give you the space you need, even if it kills me a little more each day. I want to be strong, to be the man you deserve, not the mess I used to be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to change your thoughts to reach out if you need me for something else. I'll always be yours, never forget that.
Maybe you'll never read this, and maybe that's for the best. But I needed to say it, even if only to this empty page. I'm sorry for everything, and I hope, someday, you can see that I'm serious about us, about what we could be.
Take care of yourself. I'll be here, hoping, waiting, and maybe one day, dreaming of a future where we find our way back to each other.
Always,
D